Selfish

   One of the main (broad) reasons I am a "23-year-old/should'a-graduated-2-years-ago-Junior," is because I became distracted. For approximately the first 20 years of my life, I was constantly distracted by others: what they thought, how they would react to what I did, if I would upset anyone. You can imagine it's exhausting and silly! This is how the equation went... in a very unbalanced way:


My needs & wants < other people, their needs, comforts & desires


   People are naturally going to judge, so why would me worrying about it matter? It really doesn't. When it comes down to it, I have no control of other people's words, actions, etc. Most people care more about themselves and what's going on in their own lives, than me and my life. It's the truth. I have even gone so far to try to make myself invisible to reach this conclusion. "If I am not here, won't people care?" The other sad truth: no. Life goes on.


   The next three years, or so, have been spent figuring out a question I encourage everyone to think about... truly and deeply: 


What do you want? Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? For yourself.


   You don't really care, to be honest, of my answer, but I will say that self-care is the best thing a person can do for not only their life, but everyone else's. People are distractions. They put distraction in your life. When I'm able to focus on myself, the distractions become less.


   So. When someone tells me I am "selfish," I cry a little inside. (And maybe outside too...) It's because I am once again focused on what other people are thinking, and how I am reflecting myself. I believed I was taking care of myself, but others see me as selfish. This= distraction in my life. Now I'm focused on how I might be acting and why I can't pay others more attention.

   Rule #1 in my book: you can't take care of other people and other "stuff," until you take care of yourself. Done. 


   This distraction must be removed, but it's stuck to my heart for the moment...